Where to from here? Summary response to last 6 of 12 Secrets

I've not been openly keeping up with The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women group therefore I suspect appearing to be a drop out, but in fact the opposite is true. Overall the book and tactics, strategies and revelations have been deeper and more intensely pertinent than I ever expected or anticipated. It's peculiar that something so benign as reading a book chosen by someone else and of completely unanticipated relevance can at the right time have such impact.

I skipped writing in response to the chapter prompts by Jamie in the middle, thinking with each skip that the next chapter would be something I could comment on with some degree of optimism but so far my optimism has instead of rising been chinked away by ever growing masses.

Chapter 7 on Consulting Guides had me recognizing how isolated I've become from places and things and people who inspire my creativity.

Then Chapter 8, Selecting Empowering Partnerships & Alliances reminded me of the huge loss and sent me into refreshed grief over the sudden death late this past October of my dearest friend, biggest encourager & former partner in art/craft shows.

Chapter 9, Transcending Rejections and Roadblocks, only reminded me I had nothing to transcend if I wasn't putting anything out for potential rejection and my biggest roadblock is physically feeling disabled by the progression this past year of RA and accompanying fatigue and escalating frustration and hopelessness as I found myself increasingly challenged with even the most mundane and simple tasks such as getting dressed, personal grooming and simple housekeeping.

Then came Chapter 10, Living in Abundance with Positive Priorities. PSHAW! Would you believe the week of that chapter I was notified I was being layed off from my job? CRAP! So, now I'm home full-time, even more isolated, fearful of spending an unnecessary $ and facing everyday the accumulated deterioration of my home environment as so much has gone untended the past year I've been doing little else beyond coping with chronic pain & accepting being able to do less and less of what I expect of myself on a daily basis.

Chapter 11, Subtracting Serenity Stealers - HA! Geeze! Where to start? Clutter and disorganization abound from a full year of mere glossing over the small stuff I felt capable of. The economic future is overwhelming - both personally and in community as well as beyond. (businesses in my community are shutting down at an alarming rate) What can I effectively accomplish? I keep thinking of the AA adopted Serenity Prayer - God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Chapter 12, Planning to Achieve Your Goals - Again, HA! Ever since I came to live in this community it has been a desire of mine to participate as an exhibitor in the Sierra Art Trail tour of artist's home studios. Nearly every year there are a minimum of 100 exhibiting artists and twice in the past few years a couple I know well have exhibited as photographers. Each time they have indicated that should I apply and be accepted I could share their location in their beautiful garden on their horse farm not far from my home. The deadline to apply is 15 days away and I have nothing adequate prepared but do have 15 days. Well, almost - this weekend Dearest Darlin' is coming home and the agenda for his visit is stock up shopping and yard work and such, so effectively I have 12 days but do I have the stamina and dare I take the risk physically and financially? The worst that can happen is I fail to get in or having gotten in fail to produce or having produced, fail to sell anything. Do I dare? Am I crazy to think I can take these next few months without having to clock in somewhere and pursue a personal dream?

The Way It Is

I started this blog for the purpose of participating in the 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women book blogging group and though I have come to enjoy the fuller blogs of others from that group haven't posted much of my own outside of it and less than fully within that group of late. The following is today's post from my 'other' blogging place:

I want to be optimistic and hopeful and relish happiness but the last three weeks or so haven’t been as conducive as I would hope for. News continues to be discouraging on most fronts if not enraging so I’m mostly attempting to avoid it. A slip the other day had me wanting to physically assault and tongue lash Rush Limbaugh, and not for the first time. Gosh, if I WANTED to be exposed to THAT I’d listen to his show. How DARE general news sources run his sick, sick perspective? UGH! Newspapers all over the country are hanging by a thread so I hold my breath each time a ‘memo’ comes from higher up at work. The economic downslide has hit close to home with news that my older daughter’s company laid off nearly 50% of its work force – her job unfortunately being one cut last week. YIKES!

A week ago on my last mid-week day off, I attempted to reach both the state franchise tax board and DMV to get solid direction to resolve a couple vehicle ‘issues’ but automated phone systems had me going in circles - “If you don’t find what you need at this number, dial blah-blah-blah for other options.” At which number lack of an applicable answer instructed me to dial the number which I had originally dialed. Grrrrrrrrrr! I was seething with frustration and anger which of course left me in NO mood to even attempt contacting the IRS with issues that originate from when I was still with my ex and brought up feelings of resentment there. AARGH!

The week before last I had a literal pain in the rear from a toxic infection in a cyst that had me unable to sit and blocked intestines from allowing me to empty my bladder or bowel for days and therefore afraid to eat or drink and subsequently cranky from hunger and dehydrated. Talk about miserable! Dearest Darlin’ showed up intending to celebrate a week delayed Valentine’s Day at the height of that misery & wanted to take me to the hospital. I refused to consider that option until home remedies had been exhausted and failed. Then poor darlin’ ended up ‘patching’ the ugly wound when the cyst exploded like an over inflated balloon. Youngest daughter said that’s ‘true love’ when your sweetheart tends to wound drainage and bandaging your backside. SIGH – I don’t think it’s possible any lingerie made will ever overcome the memory of THAT vision in Darlin’s eyes! (BLESS HIS HEART!)

Been trying to keep up with my 12 Secrets of Creative Women group but falling behind the last two weeks in contributing. (Last week’s chapter was following guides and this is selecting empowering partnerships)

After finishing my book club’s last selection, ‘The Glass Castle’ a memoir by Jeannette Walls, I did read a book that had me captivated in a rather morbid way, Pullitzer Prize winning ‘The Road’ by Cormac McCarthy – a moment by moment account of a father and son’s survival journey on the ravaged road through America post apocalypse. I found myself questioning throughout the entire book despite preparation for it with shelter and other necessities if/why anyone would even want to survive nuclear devastation. And of course, I ended up thinking about who possesses nuclear weapons and how fragile the world is with their existence and re-visited my thoughts and feelings when I was actively against the proliferation of nuclear power and felt guilty abandoning that activism, consumed by day to day work and child-rearing and all that accompanies it. About the only effective thing I still consistently DO is stay conservative as to energy consumption. Darlin’ and I figured out last year my total household energy use is something less than $2,000/yr excluding gasoline for the car and even with that and the vastly fluctuating prices the past year or so for gas I probably only spent about an additional $1,000. And I could probably tighten up some on electricity, propane and gas with a little more concentrated effort. Are you conscious of your fuel/energy consumption? Conservative or not? Do you put on a sweater or sweatshirt or turn up the thermostat when you feel a chill in the air? I LOVE my cozy, bulky, ugly sweaters!

Secret #6 - Conquering Saboteurs

This week finds us at the halfway point in Gail McMeekin's, The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women in our book blogging group led by Jamie Ridler, Secret #6 - Conquering Saboteurs.

After reading the chapter and listening to this week's highly creative blogger interview I've found myself humming an old song I have always adored and was really, really surprised to realize how long that song has lived in and flitted through my brain when I went to find the lyrics to share here in blogland. I found it attributed to the album *Mamas Big Ones* released in 1973. WOW! 36 years! Longer than many in our group have been alive. Been recorded as well by The Carpenters and Barbra Streisand but originally came from Mama Cass Elliott:

Make Your Own Kind Of Music Mama Cass Elliot(Mann/Weil)

Nobody can tell ya

There's only one song worth singing

They may try and sell ya

Cause it hangs them up

To see someone like you

You gotta make your own kind of music

Sing your own special song

Make your own kind music

Even if nobody else sings along

It can't be nowhere

The loneliest kind of lonely

It may be

Just to do your thing is the hardest things to do

You gotta make your own kind of music

Sing your own special song

Make your own kind music

Even if nobody else sings along

And if you will not take my hand

Then I must be going, I'll understand

You gotta make your own kind of music

Sing your own special song

Make your own kind music

Even if nobody else sings along

You gotta make your own kind of music

Sing your own special song

Make your own kind music

Even if nobody else sings along

You gotta make your own kind of music

Sing your own special song

Make your own kind music

Even if nobody else sings along

No no no no

Even if nobody else sings along

If nobody else sings along

I always think of that song as a personal encouragement to individuality - guess my inner rebel has been around a LONG time. What's MORE individual than our creativity? Who says
with ANY authority it must be exercised, expressed and exhibited a certain way to be meaningful or have value? It's ours - mine is mine and yours is yours. We own it - lock, stock and barrel.

I guess that's why as a quilter I have always hesitated to take color theory classes, for instance. I'm fear that by submitting to or subscribing to some 'expert' formula or recipe I'll lose or bury MY instincts. And I guess that kind of brings me to the portion of this week's chapter that spoke most deeply to me...Valuing Your Natural Abilities.

McMeekin say: "Women have long had the self-destructive habit of discounting themselves and their natural abilities."

AND

"This is a common gremlin, assuming that what comes easily to us is not valuable or unique."

I was reminded at this point of the Max Lucado book "Cure for the Common Life - Living in Your Sweet Spot" that I read the year before last wherein his premise is we're pre-packed for our journey on Earth and what's in our bag is exactly what's designed to equip us for this trip. For satisfaction and success we don't have to seek and find so much as just unpack our natural talents and abilities. Those teachers and guides like Barbara Sher spoke of being the holiest of God's creatures in this week's chapter - the good ones - help us discover and recognize what's in our bag, I think. The others are like bad airlines that lose our luggage.

That gremlin who makes us doubt that our natural flow is worthwhile and tells us we don't deserve any victory or success because we're not working hard enough or struggling enough or sacrificing enough is one of mine.

My other saboteur right now is my body, honestly, and that leads me to it's counterpart, time. Because nearly everything I do the past year hurts due to onset of RA I fear I've run out of time to accomplish much. Because of that I found much treasure in Creative Blogger, Andrea's interview this week - just show up, take action anyway when the gremlins daunt you, don't wait for a "perfect" moment to do it all - use the small bits of time here and there and focus on your original purpose.

Secret #5 - Committing to Self-Focus

I skipped blogging on Secret 4, it seems. By the time I had time to, Secret 5 was posted with this week’s interview and many in the 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women group had already begun to shower responses upon the 12 Secrets page. So I guess I’ll just chalk up Secret #4 to ‘present – just observing’ in my attendance log, except to say that in my own creative cycle I think I must be pregnant with twin elephants and I’m ‘expecting’ something very BIG when it finally comes time for labor and delivery.

So, it’s onward through that Second Gateway – Mastering Your Challenges As A Creative Woman (according to the structure of McMeekin’s book) and Secret #5, Committing to Self-Focus. Whew! That’s a biggie, isn’t it?

Skipping around through what some have already posted in their blogs I see we have some varying views on this one. I was a trifle offended at the beginning of the chapter by the ‘famous novelist’ whose comment was included to say she didn’t believe in contributing to anything gender separatist. Lol Well, good for her if the utopia she sees exists in her realm but in my real world experience there are differences in how all women’s-vs-men’s work – both standard for paycheck and creative - is viewed and fostered and even among women between those who are single, married/attached and those with and without children.

“Hip, hip, hurray!” I say for those who don’t find focus a ‘challenge’, who get encouragement and respect from significant others in their lives and don’t feel compelled to squeeze their creative pursuits into itty bitty cracks and niches of time and energy to ‘indulge’ them, who don’t have to deal with guilt or apologize for inadequacies elsewhere when their creative work is given priority.

For years in my marriage I felt resentful preparing for ‘art and craft’ shows I’d juried into – struggling to produce quality product to be noticed amongst the competition for the consumer dollar. My husband and children refused to cooperate/recognize/acknowledge what I was doing was even ‘work’ since it stemmed from something they knew I enjoyed. My ‘studio’ was a 7X9 bedroom I used to call ‘The Cell’ because it was barely bigger than a jail cell, in fact I KNOW there are bigger cells in some jails! The fact I was EVER able to produce anything lovely out of there amazed me because since it was MY space every stray object no one else in the house knew what to do with at anytime or anything broken or needing my attention in anyone else’s opinion either got dumped on my floor so I had to crawl over it to get to my sewing machine/work table or on my work surface to be sure to be noticed by me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I remember once having been invited to exhibit a quilt at a prestigious show (other quilters in that show then now have books/patterns and large $ prize winning quilts to their credit) and working feverishly up against a deadline to complete hand quilting it, doubting I’d be able to get ANY sleep at all the week preceding the deadline. I’d already arranged with the show curator to drop it off directly to her home, knowing I couldn’t possibly make the day/time for the general check in. Two days before my absolute down to the wire deadline, with about 4 days worth of work yet to go, two of my three school-age children come home with that dreaded school nurse note saying they have head lice and giving the full drill of what must be done before they can come back to school. Ummmmmm…let’s see – do you think their father, who couldn’t possibly finish quilting my quilt would step up and take care of the children’s hair/scalp? Or even run to the drug store for the needed shampoo treatment? I think that was a Tuesday, the quilt was due to the curator on Thursday evening. So I kept the kids home, quilted like a mad woman, went out to deliver it sleeved in a fresh pillow case – the very last one received for hanging and came home, kids sound asleep in their beds. The next day I get a home visit from the school nurse wondering why my kids weren’t de-liced yet and back in school. AAAAAAAARGH! You should have seen HER face when the children ‘round my knees at the door tell her I was quilting and their heads would have to wait until the weekend. You can, I’m sure, imagine the humiliating lecture that followed from the school nurse and I was totally without words to counter.

At the same time though, back in those days I used to jokingly say that creative pursuits were what kept me sane and prevented domestic violence and child abuse. The thrill of seeing the work of my hands produce something from nothing – a unique thing of beauty from rags/flat cloth and string – was/is like nothing else on a scale of pleasure and delight. Like any other pleasure addict nothing could persuade me to give up my drug of choice.

It’s the same when I’ve produced something well written also. I’ll often go back and reread with delight something as mundane as a reference letter written for one of my daughter’s friends in application for consideration for scholarship awards or the strong resume I beefed up for a friend of mine. Recently I unearthed a term paper for a long ago class at a Bible College and was tickled pink to reread those sentences/paragraphs marked with the instructor’s comments noting what a pleasure my paper had been for her to read. Never mind I never finished that curriculum or earned the certificate of graduation. I have proof, in writing, I’m capable of producing a number of pages of text someone else finds pleasurable to read!

And when I’m thrilled and delighted, it’s enough to keep at it. It feeds my soul for the work of my hands to produce beauty and pleasure. I don’t think I’ll ever truly have my fill and as long as I hunger and thirst for that ‘food’, somehow I’ll find a way to focus on attaining it. Thankfully, I don’t still have to fight to pursue it, but I would.

Secret #3 Following Your Fascinations

I JUST finished reading this week's chapter for the book blogging group, 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women hosted by Jamie Ridler and I SO wish I had read this chapter a couple weeks ago seeing as the reason I had little time to squeeze in reading the chapter was I was heavily engaged/immersed/overwhelmed in potential risk taking in my life. In a totally unexpected and ironic twist almost immediately after my previous post stating I had the distinct priviledge of having the entirety of my home living space available for 'sanctuary' if I so choose - my younger sister called from half-way across the country saying she needed a place to make a fresh start and could she please come live with me.

SSSSCCCRRRRREEEEECH!!

WHOA!

Little Sis had entirely exhausted the patience and good will of our mother and both of our brothers as well as having driven her ex to file domestic abuse charges against her and obtain a 'no contact' court order. She is no ideal candidate for a room mate. She is disabled, bi-polar with a whole host of accompanying issues, doesn't know the meaning of the concept of privacy and definitely NOT one who could or would be encouraging to creative pursuits. But, she is my beloved baby sister and had never asked me for anything since I had married and left home over 30 years ago. How could I say no if my dearest, darlin' was willing to have her come here? So I've spent most of my time the past week (in retrospect relative to the terms of this week's chapter, calculating risk) researching bi-polar disorder, availability of resources for her needs, advice for living with potential new circumstances...and then there were daily long distance phone conversations with her and our mother, both of our brothers, her probation officer, etc. Among those conversations were a couple very painfully uncomfortable reality revelations on my part to Mom a therapist might call breakthrough moments. I was one busy gal and amidst all of that had 2-3 severely limiting high pain RA days.

I hardly had time to give a moment's thought to my creative self except for the likelihood that rather than being allowed to run free, she'd be canned and shelved until further notice. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect but I felt noble and even potentially heroic for the potential sacrifice. I even entertained thoughts/fantasies that the circumstances might even have an ideal aspect ultimately advantageous to me in that Little Sis might contribute to meal prep and housework that often so deeply taxes my body and stamina and prevents me from having much of either for creative pursuits.

At the last moment (my long distance interview with the probation officer resulted in her planning to recommend approval for Sis's planned move to the court), Sis decided to pursue application instead for admittance to a group home or other local housing option to avoid being too far for comfort from her two adult children. A part of me is hugely relieved - in fact I've given new thought to the Old Testament bible account of Abraham being called to sacrifice his son Isaac and how God didn't require the sacrifice, only the willingness to be obedient. My very personal lesson is a far greater appreciation of the value of that which I might have sacrificed.

On to the book - I so appreciate the stories/examples of those who have gone before US, so to speak. It's so encouraging to hear/read experiences of others both from the perspective of making things happen AND being in the right place at the right time as far as preparation meeting opportunity (they call that luck?). One of the challenges in the chapter was summarizing your own risk taking history - calculated or inpulsive and to write down a risk profile for yourself with guidelines for future risk taking based on experience and natural abilities.

Based on experience - some of the biggest risks I've benefitted from having taken would NEVER have been taken if I'd had an inkling the risk that was actually involved. I trusted intuition more than calculation and personally, I believe our calculated assessments are almost always falsely weighted by partiality, insecurity and false assumptions. Ignorance can be bliss. You don't know what you don't know. Realistically, we really have control over so little. I've never been able to understand how people can plan vacations for instance months and months ahead. Stuff happens. I remember stumbling upon the unbelievably profound lyric of John Lennon which says, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans." *light bulb* Duh! The only thing 'prepared' I ever managed was 'prepared childbirth' with each of my 4 children and I KNOW how very blessed - some might say lucky - I was there were no major 'complications'.

I've long known my greatest limitation in approaching risk is being timid due to fear of failure. I'm afraid to try anything new I'm not confident of doing well - years of my real life patriarchal voice, dear old Dad, saying "If something's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well." All the years of easy success getting straight A's in school with minimal or no effort didn't serve me very well as training either how to make real effort or how to overcome mistakes/failures. I really wish I'd had more practice at an earlier age when it was easier for pride to heal.

I kind of envy all the collage makers in this creative circle - you have a huge head start, I think, on the last Chapter 3 Challenge to: Identify and celebrate your strengths as a creative woman and a positive risk taker, and post them in your sanctuary.
I think I may spend part of my mid-week day off Wednesday attempting to do just that.