WTJ - Week 6

Ebb and flow...maybe I ought to find a pic to insert of waves flowing onto and receding from the sand as an expression of my journal mood for this post. I didn't make a post for Week 5 - not that there was NOTHING done in my journal that week but it was pretty neglected to be honest. I have excuses - expected my Sweetie home for the July 4th weekend and was focussed on preparing for his homecoming and then when I was even later preparing a post for Week 5 than I had been for Week 4, it just seemed logical that rather than appearing late it would be better to just skip it and combine Week 5 and Week 6 and look on top of it for this week. (chuckle) Amusing isn't it that even with all this exercise in releasing perfectionism, I'd still be concerned with manipulating the 'appearance' of control?

After the week of mostly neglected wrecking workouts, and the coming and going of my Sweetie, I found myself (and I JUST realized today the state I'm in) hungrily desiring INTIMACY. And I'm ravenous - like I'd come off a 2 week severely restricted diet starving for a piece of cheesecake, a loaded baked potato and a medium rare 12 oz. ribeye or a roasted turkey with all the trimmings. I've bounced around through the pages of my journal - starting and stopping on this page and then another, and another, and another - not finding satisfaction. Part of it is I know, having signed up and received a favorite page swap partner (waves hello below the table to Kirby3131) I'm going to be sending a page away...a favorite...and a part of me is feeling a strong kick of inadequacy (What if she thinks my 'favorite' is pretty lame? I really, REALLY like my current favorite but it's no work of 'art' by any means...and I probably could come up with something better if I try. But then, if I'm really trying and I DO do something fabulous I really LOVE and am proud of - could I give it to a stranger????)

Soooooo...I have a number of pages 'in progress' but my dialogue with myself the last couple days as I've bounced about and explored some options in expression has me convinced I can't turn back or stand still. I'm evidently either at a dead end (which I can't fathom or accept - I'm too restless and needy/wanting) - a T-intersection, a cross road, up the ladder to the high dive or even poised at the open cabin door of a plane with a chute on my back...

Soooooooo - this was my AHA! (smacks self on forehead "But, OF COURSE!") what my sign says page...




And here, just to prove I've been doing something ;), are a couple other pages for variety...
Coloring outside the lines:



And Doodling:

First Thing In the Morning

My morning coffee is 'just right' when, with creamer added, its color is almost the same as the paint on the family room wall someone with the job of naming color for its manufacturer dubbed 'warm cocoa'.

I used to be a primitive coffee drinker - black and hot was sufficient. Somewhere along my career in morning caffeine consumption I added milk and then graduated to cream, half and half. I still don't get the added sugar so many I know gotta have - in fact, I often forget when serving coffee to others to even put it out.

Further along the line of my development, I got sucked in by the fancy, schmancy flavored coffee creamer names, probably after having been seduced by just one too many coffee beverages at one of those upper price point coffee bars. I've tried numerous - and by now probably wouldn't be quite so adverse to a spoon or two of sugar in a 'regular' coffee seeing as how those flavored creamers do have some glucose/fructose of some variety in most of them. I love toffee-this and caramel-thats and, of course, anything mocha or chocolate-y is highly regarded, but my staple coffee additive is vanilla nut. (I won't mention the brand name - not my intention to promo their label, but if someone reading is looking for a paid product endorsement I could use some supplemental income - wink*, wink*) I don't know what kind of nut the flavor is supposed to impart to the taste buds (the label illustration looks like a walnut) and there isn't one mentioned in the ingredients, leading me to believe it's an artificial combo/blend of chemicals resembling some nutty flavor. Thank God for chemistry!

Before I even take the first sip of my morning brew it delights me as the brewed coffee stirs up the creamer I've poured first into the bottom of the mug with a scent that makes me think of cake - white cake frosted with thick buttercream frosting. MMMmmmmm! DEEEEE-LISH!

Precious Moments

Sunday morning sanctuary between the sheets
Sun rises higher, day becomes brighter
Not very welcome - want to snuggle longer,
Hold on tighter, savor contact, cuddle closer.
If I could, I'd push the day back in a box...
To open after while, make this moment last.

-Sheila M. Anderson
7/6/09

Aren't there moments you just want to clutch and hang on to with all the strength within your grasp? My Dearest Darlin' works about 300 miles south and rents a room there. Everytime Dearest Darlin' comes 'home' it's for such a short time and seems to be gone in barely a blink. The morning I know he has to leave again is soooooo hard to wake up to, knowing the next morning I'll wake up alone, again. I'm so greedy and growing less and less able to accept the repeated separation and feeling abandoned. You'd think I'd have the posture and passion to write like one of the maddest of mad authoresses on these days. And I'd think I'd have grown mature enough to accept that this is our life - not the daily kiss goodbye off to work to be reunited at day's end to eat and drink together and rest and recharge again. I want to sit outside together tonight in the full moonlight, holding hands under the stars and listen to the crickets and frogs, sipping iced teas. But he'll be asleep when the moon rises, having to be up not long after 3 am for another day at work and I'll wish upon the moon alone.

I'm feeling pretty melancholy about the priceless moments we miss sharing...the little daily things so many couples take for granted - breakfasts, dinners, shared popcorn while watching a video, grabbing each other to dance in the kitchen to a favorite song, holding hands in the car running errands, a back scratch, a random kiss, a hug from behind while doing dishes...

Yesterday was particularly hard to watch him go as I'd taken a dive, passed out dizzy, bp soared and heart raced and he'd had to pick me up off the floor. I know he was scared, I was too and embarrassed/angry to so evidently be so needy. I'd rather just be greedy for his time instead. I ached watching him watch me for signs it was okay to go as scheduled.

He left me resting in my most comfortable chair after making sure I could get out without assistance, with instructions -
"New rule!" said he.

"I hate rules" I responded looking up into his face.

"I KNOW" he laughed, handing me the phone. "Actually, two. Keep this or the other portable phone attached to your side at all times and stay off the internet/phone line." (so he could get through for periodic checks on my well-being. I could see anxiety all over his face while he tried to be firm and assertive and I hated to be the cause)

Where's the 'cleaning fairy' hiding? Or, wish I had a white tornado...

It's time I ought to be in bed, watching the end of a fave TV show before drifting off to sleep and I wish I was. I'm overwhelmed with all the neglected housekeeping of the past month since my girls were here and left again to go 'home' to IL. My Dearest Darlin' will be here in the morning and I know he'll be appalled at the state of the kitchen, bedroom and bath and those are what I ought to have spent time on today, in anticipation. I miss when I had the capacity to kick it up to tornado-mode (what was that cleaning product that used to have a white tornado ad campaign?) to get things in order before his arrival.

I did get my desk clean today - cleared the clutter and evidence of my perching tendency here. Strangely, instead of accomplishment encouraging me to move on to other priorities, the clean space is soooooooooooo inviting I just want to hang here and not look at the mess elsewhere. On the one hand I excuse my lingering with the need to 'test' the comfort and workability of new placement of keyboard and mouse and such...amazing what a difference a slight change of angle makes. Grateful as I am for my upgraded computer, I can't help thinking if I'd been shopping for myself I likely would have gone for a laptop instead. I've thought alot about the feng shui - or rather lack of it - and wish my desk is turned into the room instead of facing a wall, but the cords and ugly backsides of my equipment necessitates for appearance sake it do so.

Will be busy through the weekend - annual 4th of July poolside party and BBQ at Darlin's brother and sis-in-law's and the stock up shopping routine for groceries and sundries tomorrow - so will likely not be putzing on the puter again until Sunday afternoon. Hope everyone has a safe and happy Independence Day weekend...

Wreck This Journal Week 4 - Beauty

"The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time have given me courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty...The ordinary objects of human endeavour -property, outward success, luxury - have always seemed to me contemptible."

- Albert Einstein

I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaay late posting this week for WRECK THIS JOURNAL but I've been 'working it' anyway. This page had me flooded with ideas and choices and temptations of expression. I had a few words I considered (kind of like at the beginning of the year) but after considering 'free' and 'mercy', 'create' and 'creativity' and 'perfectionist' with the big red universal slashed circle/NO symbol over it - ultimately I chose to go with the word 'Beauty' which was the word I chose for my 'word for the year 2009'.

And rather than follow the directions and 'write' it over and over I wanted to attempt something different, for me...so I chose to collage the page and thus began tearing into magazines I was willing to scar and tear and 'destroy' for the purpose. I don't know about anyone else, but the magazines I keep in piles, baskets, on shelves I've kept for a reason and of course, I got distracted as I opened each one finding 'the reason' for keeping it and then finding other distractions within their pages as well. And - OF COURSE - once I got started cutting the word 'beauty', there were OTHER words that also 'spoke' to me, never mind the images. LOL Soooooooooooooo - here you have my first collage attempt since grade school. I wasn't sure how commited I was when I started so it's taped - not glued, but I kind of like it, ALOT. And when I get somewhere that I can add some miscellaneous desk/art supplies to my storehouse a package of glue sticks, some watercolor crayons and some new markers is on my shopping list.