Secret #5 - Committing to Self-Focus

I skipped blogging on Secret 4, it seems. By the time I had time to, Secret 5 was posted with this week’s interview and many in the 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women group had already begun to shower responses upon the 12 Secrets page. So I guess I’ll just chalk up Secret #4 to ‘present – just observing’ in my attendance log, except to say that in my own creative cycle I think I must be pregnant with twin elephants and I’m ‘expecting’ something very BIG when it finally comes time for labor and delivery.

So, it’s onward through that Second Gateway – Mastering Your Challenges As A Creative Woman (according to the structure of McMeekin’s book) and Secret #5, Committing to Self-Focus. Whew! That’s a biggie, isn’t it?

Skipping around through what some have already posted in their blogs I see we have some varying views on this one. I was a trifle offended at the beginning of the chapter by the ‘famous novelist’ whose comment was included to say she didn’t believe in contributing to anything gender separatist. Lol Well, good for her if the utopia she sees exists in her realm but in my real world experience there are differences in how all women’s-vs-men’s work – both standard for paycheck and creative - is viewed and fostered and even among women between those who are single, married/attached and those with and without children.

“Hip, hip, hurray!” I say for those who don’t find focus a ‘challenge’, who get encouragement and respect from significant others in their lives and don’t feel compelled to squeeze their creative pursuits into itty bitty cracks and niches of time and energy to ‘indulge’ them, who don’t have to deal with guilt or apologize for inadequacies elsewhere when their creative work is given priority.

For years in my marriage I felt resentful preparing for ‘art and craft’ shows I’d juried into – struggling to produce quality product to be noticed amongst the competition for the consumer dollar. My husband and children refused to cooperate/recognize/acknowledge what I was doing was even ‘work’ since it stemmed from something they knew I enjoyed. My ‘studio’ was a 7X9 bedroom I used to call ‘The Cell’ because it was barely bigger than a jail cell, in fact I KNOW there are bigger cells in some jails! The fact I was EVER able to produce anything lovely out of there amazed me because since it was MY space every stray object no one else in the house knew what to do with at anytime or anything broken or needing my attention in anyone else’s opinion either got dumped on my floor so I had to crawl over it to get to my sewing machine/work table or on my work surface to be sure to be noticed by me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I remember once having been invited to exhibit a quilt at a prestigious show (other quilters in that show then now have books/patterns and large $ prize winning quilts to their credit) and working feverishly up against a deadline to complete hand quilting it, doubting I’d be able to get ANY sleep at all the week preceding the deadline. I’d already arranged with the show curator to drop it off directly to her home, knowing I couldn’t possibly make the day/time for the general check in. Two days before my absolute down to the wire deadline, with about 4 days worth of work yet to go, two of my three school-age children come home with that dreaded school nurse note saying they have head lice and giving the full drill of what must be done before they can come back to school. Ummmmmm…let’s see – do you think their father, who couldn’t possibly finish quilting my quilt would step up and take care of the children’s hair/scalp? Or even run to the drug store for the needed shampoo treatment? I think that was a Tuesday, the quilt was due to the curator on Thursday evening. So I kept the kids home, quilted like a mad woman, went out to deliver it sleeved in a fresh pillow case – the very last one received for hanging and came home, kids sound asleep in their beds. The next day I get a home visit from the school nurse wondering why my kids weren’t de-liced yet and back in school. AAAAAAAARGH! You should have seen HER face when the children ‘round my knees at the door tell her I was quilting and their heads would have to wait until the weekend. You can, I’m sure, imagine the humiliating lecture that followed from the school nurse and I was totally without words to counter.

At the same time though, back in those days I used to jokingly say that creative pursuits were what kept me sane and prevented domestic violence and child abuse. The thrill of seeing the work of my hands produce something from nothing – a unique thing of beauty from rags/flat cloth and string – was/is like nothing else on a scale of pleasure and delight. Like any other pleasure addict nothing could persuade me to give up my drug of choice.

It’s the same when I’ve produced something well written also. I’ll often go back and reread with delight something as mundane as a reference letter written for one of my daughter’s friends in application for consideration for scholarship awards or the strong resume I beefed up for a friend of mine. Recently I unearthed a term paper for a long ago class at a Bible College and was tickled pink to reread those sentences/paragraphs marked with the instructor’s comments noting what a pleasure my paper had been for her to read. Never mind I never finished that curriculum or earned the certificate of graduation. I have proof, in writing, I’m capable of producing a number of pages of text someone else finds pleasurable to read!

And when I’m thrilled and delighted, it’s enough to keep at it. It feeds my soul for the work of my hands to produce beauty and pleasure. I don’t think I’ll ever truly have my fill and as long as I hunger and thirst for that ‘food’, somehow I’ll find a way to focus on attaining it. Thankfully, I don’t still have to fight to pursue it, but I would.

Secret #3 Following Your Fascinations

I JUST finished reading this week's chapter for the book blogging group, 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women hosted by Jamie Ridler and I SO wish I had read this chapter a couple weeks ago seeing as the reason I had little time to squeeze in reading the chapter was I was heavily engaged/immersed/overwhelmed in potential risk taking in my life. In a totally unexpected and ironic twist almost immediately after my previous post stating I had the distinct priviledge of having the entirety of my home living space available for 'sanctuary' if I so choose - my younger sister called from half-way across the country saying she needed a place to make a fresh start and could she please come live with me.

SSSSCCCRRRRREEEEECH!!

WHOA!

Little Sis had entirely exhausted the patience and good will of our mother and both of our brothers as well as having driven her ex to file domestic abuse charges against her and obtain a 'no contact' court order. She is no ideal candidate for a room mate. She is disabled, bi-polar with a whole host of accompanying issues, doesn't know the meaning of the concept of privacy and definitely NOT one who could or would be encouraging to creative pursuits. But, she is my beloved baby sister and had never asked me for anything since I had married and left home over 30 years ago. How could I say no if my dearest, darlin' was willing to have her come here? So I've spent most of my time the past week (in retrospect relative to the terms of this week's chapter, calculating risk) researching bi-polar disorder, availability of resources for her needs, advice for living with potential new circumstances...and then there were daily long distance phone conversations with her and our mother, both of our brothers, her probation officer, etc. Among those conversations were a couple very painfully uncomfortable reality revelations on my part to Mom a therapist might call breakthrough moments. I was one busy gal and amidst all of that had 2-3 severely limiting high pain RA days.

I hardly had time to give a moment's thought to my creative self except for the likelihood that rather than being allowed to run free, she'd be canned and shelved until further notice. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect but I felt noble and even potentially heroic for the potential sacrifice. I even entertained thoughts/fantasies that the circumstances might even have an ideal aspect ultimately advantageous to me in that Little Sis might contribute to meal prep and housework that often so deeply taxes my body and stamina and prevents me from having much of either for creative pursuits.

At the last moment (my long distance interview with the probation officer resulted in her planning to recommend approval for Sis's planned move to the court), Sis decided to pursue application instead for admittance to a group home or other local housing option to avoid being too far for comfort from her two adult children. A part of me is hugely relieved - in fact I've given new thought to the Old Testament bible account of Abraham being called to sacrifice his son Isaac and how God didn't require the sacrifice, only the willingness to be obedient. My very personal lesson is a far greater appreciation of the value of that which I might have sacrificed.

On to the book - I so appreciate the stories/examples of those who have gone before US, so to speak. It's so encouraging to hear/read experiences of others both from the perspective of making things happen AND being in the right place at the right time as far as preparation meeting opportunity (they call that luck?). One of the challenges in the chapter was summarizing your own risk taking history - calculated or inpulsive and to write down a risk profile for yourself with guidelines for future risk taking based on experience and natural abilities.

Based on experience - some of the biggest risks I've benefitted from having taken would NEVER have been taken if I'd had an inkling the risk that was actually involved. I trusted intuition more than calculation and personally, I believe our calculated assessments are almost always falsely weighted by partiality, insecurity and false assumptions. Ignorance can be bliss. You don't know what you don't know. Realistically, we really have control over so little. I've never been able to understand how people can plan vacations for instance months and months ahead. Stuff happens. I remember stumbling upon the unbelievably profound lyric of John Lennon which says, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans." *light bulb* Duh! The only thing 'prepared' I ever managed was 'prepared childbirth' with each of my 4 children and I KNOW how very blessed - some might say lucky - I was there were no major 'complications'.

I've long known my greatest limitation in approaching risk is being timid due to fear of failure. I'm afraid to try anything new I'm not confident of doing well - years of my real life patriarchal voice, dear old Dad, saying "If something's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well." All the years of easy success getting straight A's in school with minimal or no effort didn't serve me very well as training either how to make real effort or how to overcome mistakes/failures. I really wish I'd had more practice at an earlier age when it was easier for pride to heal.

I kind of envy all the collage makers in this creative circle - you have a huge head start, I think, on the last Chapter 3 Challenge to: Identify and celebrate your strengths as a creative woman and a positive risk taker, and post them in your sanctuary.
I think I may spend part of my mid-week day off Wednesday attempting to do just that.

Secret #2 Honoring Your Inspirations

Chapter 2/Secret 2 of The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women: Honoring Your Inspirations…
When I was reading this chapter I was trying to guess like the teacher’s pet student I was when I was young what Jamie and the rest of the group would choose as THE focus key this week. As I read through several of the first posted blogs I grew more and more rankled and itch-y, realizing I was/am slightly out of step. The enthusiasm and reverence I read for ritual actually kinda riled me. Just the word ritual makes my inner rebel rise up, though at the same time reading some so freely shared does sound peaceful and serene.

• I think of ritual as:
  *Repetitious
  *Innocuous
  *Timed
  *Undertakings
  *Abandoning
  *Latitude/Leeway
  

Albert Einstein is attributed with the quote: ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ When I think of creativity I think of spontaneity and it just seems illogical to me for ritual to have a place in it. It’s good for productivity, maybe, but not creativity. Guess I’ll hafta think about that some more. But then it also seems to me there’s an awful lot of list-ing going on in your creative worlds all you creative women are opening up to me and I despise lists. *Grins* (to me list is a dirty four-letter word I think of mostly in terms of Limit Imposed Scheduled Tasks)

Ironically though, the quote that spoke loudest and deepest to me in this week’s chapter comes at the very end of the section on ritual Cathleen Rountree says, "The creative process is like a lover and you must treat it as such. You must treat it with respect, with regard, with appreciation, with love, with joy, with gratitude, with fear, with all the complexities of a relationship. And if you are able to give of yourself in the way that it requires, it really becomes a relationship." And McMeekin goes on to say, ‘This bonding with your creative self entails acknowledgment and the honoring of its wisdom.’ Personally, I’m excited by the idea of that kind of ‘affair’.

My creative self is wooed (inspired) by cottage and rustic/primitive interiors of comfort and beauty in magazine photos and coffee table-style books, art museums, time spent communicating with other creatives in a variety of fields and genres, reading stories/profiles/blogs of women who do whatever it is they find joy and accomplishment in (Suzie’s and other interviews and your blogs for great example), babies’ hands & feet & smiles and eyes, children, weddings, couples who love and respect one another, achievers, strivers, overcomers, the ocean, the mountains, farm land, cities, villages, churches, color, texture, spice-y fragrances, lush and whimsical gardens - lol, I’m inspired RIGHT now to devote a whole notebook to my inspirations. I hadn’t realized I had so many!

As to sanctuary – I’m growing into the appreciation of the fact that as an empty nester now living alone MOST of the time I have the freedom to allow MOST of my home to evolve into creative sanctuary if I so choose. It’s another irony that close on the heels of that becoming my reality first injury and then the sudden and rapid acceleration of rheumatoid arthritis limitations have frustrated progress. I’m slower than I want to be at this time but determined to make it so. Open, accessible desk space in the main living area with a new desk chair I can more easily get up from have been a recent giant step in that direction. I’m now contemplating accessibility and functionability accommodations for the sewing room and welcome any suggestions for limiting pain while using tools such as my rotary cutters.