Monday, July 6, 2009

Precious Moments

Sunday morning sanctuary between the sheets
Sun rises higher, day becomes brighter
Not very welcome - want to snuggle longer,
Hold on tighter, savor contact, cuddle closer.
If I could, I'd push the day back in a box...
To open after while, make this moment last.

-Sheila M. Anderson

Aren't there moments you just want to clutch and hang on to with all the strength within your grasp? My Dearest Darlin' works about 300 miles south and rents a room there. Everytime Dearest Darlin' comes 'home' it's for such a short time and seems to be gone in barely a blink. The morning I know he has to leave again is soooooo hard to wake up to, knowing the next morning I'll wake up alone, again. I'm so greedy and growing less and less able to accept the repeated separation and feeling abandoned. You'd think I'd have the posture and passion to write like one of the maddest of mad authoresses on these days. And I'd think I'd have grown mature enough to accept that this is our life - not the daily kiss goodbye off to work to be reunited at day's end to eat and drink together and rest and recharge again. I want to sit outside together tonight in the full moonlight, holding hands under the stars and listen to the crickets and frogs, sipping iced teas. But he'll be asleep when the moon rises, having to be up not long after 3 am for another day at work and I'll wish upon the moon alone.

I'm feeling pretty melancholy about the priceless moments we miss sharing...the little daily things so many couples take for granted - breakfasts, dinners, shared popcorn while watching a video, grabbing each other to dance in the kitchen to a favorite song, holding hands in the car running errands, a back scratch, a random kiss, a hug from behind while doing dishes...

Yesterday was particularly hard to watch him go as I'd taken a dive, passed out dizzy, bp soared and heart raced and he'd had to pick me up off the floor. I know he was scared, I was too and embarrassed/angry to so evidently be so needy. I'd rather just be greedy for his time instead. I ached watching him watch me for signs it was okay to go as scheduled.

He left me resting in my most comfortable chair after making sure I could get out without assistance, with instructions -
"New rule!" said he.

"I hate rules" I responded looking up into his face.

"I KNOW" he laughed, handing me the phone. "Actually, two. Keep this or the other portable phone attached to your side at all times and stay off the internet/phone line." (so he could get through for periodic checks on my well-being. I could see anxiety all over his face while he tried to be firm and assertive and I hated to be the cause)

1 comment:

  1. I have tears in my eyes reading this...tears...because your writing is so fierce that I can feel your heart in mine--feel your longing. I had moments like this in my life, with love both filled and unrequited--I always found comfort and even understanding of life's situation--through art, mostly writing. I think you found that same toolhere to help ease your heart.

    And remember, everything is always temporary. It will not always be this way.

    Peace & Love.